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English Language Humor

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  • English Language Humor

    I don't know who originally wrote this, but some of the lines are a bit of a tongue twister!

    1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

    2) The farm was used to produce produce.

    3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

    4) We must polish the Polish furniture..

    5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

    6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert..

    7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

    8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

    9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

    10) I did not object to the object.

    11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

    12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

    13) They were too close to the door to close it.

    14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

    15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

    16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

    17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

    18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear..

    19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

    20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

    Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

    And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

    If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

    How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

    English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
    Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it - William Arthur Ward
    Today is the FIRST day of the REST of your life...what will YOU make of it?
    No trees were harmed in making this post. However, millions of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.

  • #2
    Have you ever had to call a service representative to help you with an electronic device? Well, I did and it was not an enjoyable experience for the service rep. I THOUGHT I was going to have someone on the other side of the telephone receiver who spoke English. HA!!! They were on the other side of the WORLD trying to tell me what to do with an accent so thick cold butter was spreadable. I talked a while, then started asking them to spell every word followed by me telling them how to pronounce the word and the definition of it in American English. I sensed their exasperation (three cheers for me), so I started to talk very fast (like I was a teenager and used "Like" every other word.) More exasperation on their part (evil snickering here and there). Then I asked to speak to someone who spoke English. They told me they spoke English. I told them I was an English teacher, born and raised in the United States of America and they did NOT speak English. They spoke a language taught to them by someone who was from their country who learned English from a book, had NEVER been to America, and had no clue as to what American English sounded like or how to use it. I told them I spoke American English and could understand British English and Australian English. I asked to speak to their supervisor. Supervisor got on and wouldn't you know it, they spoke English with a thick Bengali accent. So I started my monologue and linguistic teaching all over again. They connected me with an English speaking person in Texas. She was originally from Mexico!!! but I could understand a lot of what she said. I'm sure my name, telephone number, and call was highlighted in brilliant red and will be used for training purposes. That is fine with me because red is my favorite color......brilliant takes it to a higher level and teaching is my game!
    Whether you think you can or think you can''re right.

    "There is no try; you either do or don't." Yoda